Monday, August 9, 2010

A 'Chop Shop' doesn't get listed on NASDAQ : Murthy

Tens and thousands of employees of Infosys Technologies Ltd. today submitted their resignation on learning that their company was not in the field of Software services but is a Chop Shop. Monday morning witnessed the mail servers of many HR Executives jammed as employees, who had their dreams shattered of making it to the US, sent lengthy resignation mails to their respective HR Executives. "Yes, we have received 21,345 resignations so far within 4 hours of work today. Since most of them are not yet able to believe that they are 'choppers' and not 'Techhies', most resignations, as much as 15,789 of them were emailed which were sent through Blackberry and HTC Android", said Mr. Manav Sansadhan, Sr. HR Manager who initially did not want to be named, but later agreed to, as he too had decided to resign. Further, he added "These figures are expected to reach close to 33,000 by end of tomorrow as those working in UK and US shifts are yet to reach office"

Lashing at this comment in a rather uncharacteristic manner, Infosys Chief Mentor, Mr. N R Narayana Murthy said "If we are a 'Chop Shop', how did USA list us in their NASDAQ Stock Exchange and permit us to issue ADRs? Are norms in USA so liberal that any junk and sundry firm can be listed in their Stock Exchange? This is a frivolous argument which has only made me and my buddy Premji more stronger to fight protectionism!!". Mr. T V Mohandas Pai, the Director of Human Resources who was also present nodded his head while speculations are ripe that he might switch back to his CFO role, unable to cope with mass-resignation.


When a leading Bank who figures in the Top 10 clientele of Infosys was contacted, it's Sr. Vice President - Administration said "We are aware of the developments. However, the top brass has assured us that things will go on smoothly and the Bank's operations will not be hampered. Already, Infosys has issued orders to march towards the PC to 35,000 employees who are on bench sipping coffee and playing TT and that is a sigh of relief for us. Our Credit Card customers will still have seamless access to the Call Centres". Taking cue from this statement, education segment expert from a consultancy firm, Mr. Vidya Saraswathi projected that Infosys could hire anything between 25000-30000 fresh graduates and laterals since a huge chunk of resource was getting vacant from Bench and Wipro was catching up big time in terms of employee headcount.


"The US has gone bonkers you see.. They would rather do well to close down the 'Chop Shop' that they have opened in Iraq and Afghanistan. Or worse is look into Mark Hurd's trapped in sexual her-ass-meant case", said 22 year old Phatichar Screwvala who was quick to correct himself and re-pronounce it as 'harassment'. Phatichar who had successfully completed his induction programme on Friday evening reiterated that Infosys was known for it's integrity and values and unlike in the US, it had never involved in sexual harassment scandals, unaware of the Phaneesh Murthy episode which rocked India Inc. during his high-school days. Phatichar is based out of Mysore DC. However, the farmers of Mysore said that those comments did not have any base and he was only repeating the talking points of his masters. Mr. Ketanlal Vishnudas Patel, a veteran businessman of Indian origin in USA whose short poems are the most sought after declined to comment and simply sent a one liner email saying "Time is very precious in this part of the world" when contacted.

Meanwhile, a group of disgruntled employees who are yet to submit their resignation threatened to self-immolate during the wedding of N R Narayana Murthy's son later this year. "Since you have broken it, you rather fix it or I will self-immolate during your son's wedding" said Pune based 26 year old 'Agni'vesha (name changed as he fears being ditched by his girl-friend who works as a Brand Manager with AUTOMOBILE giant Hyundai) His friends lent their hankies/undies/Boxers/sock as he wept to an extent inconsolable. "The upcoming alliance between TVS and Infosys seems to be 'motivated by business interests'. Anything is possible in India and yet no one is accountable for it" said an aggressive Indian-American Mr. 'Nexus' D'Souza who currently works with a medical equipment manufacturing giant in USA and believes any sundry claims made by the USA despite several rebuttals by his Indian friends. He even cited an incident where an Infosys employee had given a 'Hot water bath' to his maid for which he was sacked. Mr. D'Souza also gave a call to all US Corporations to stop business with companies who have employees without sensitivity towards fellow human beings but declined to comment when asked about the wage cut some of the Pizza delivery boys get in US headquartered firms.


As our Bangalore correspondent started towards Infosys' Bannerghatta Road DC from Electronics City in BMTC Bus, following conversation in Kannada between two daily-wage earners was heard - "Adeno kaddiro car mattu bike maaraaTa maaDo jaaga anta Amreekadalli yaaro Ministru heLiddarantappa... Irbeku ansutte. BeLgaadre ee Imposis aapees oLgaDe Tata Sumo, Tata Starbussu, Toyota Qualissu, namma BMTC bhaDge bussu hogod noDidre avr heLirodu kharey irbeku" (Roughly translated as "Some Minister in US says Infosys is into selling stolen cars and bikes. When we see several vehicles plying into their campus from early morning, they might be right")

"I think the whole Brand needs a revamp now. We need to start with the punchline 'Powered by intellects, Driven by values'. Probably, the words 'Powered' and 'Driven' needs to be powerfully driven off as they mostly get the automobile feel in the minds of the consumers" opined a Bangalore based Brand and Advertisement Guru and suggested punchlines like 'Borrowed intellects with no values' and 'To fix before it breaks'. He also came up with an idea of organizing events in the Americas, Europe and APAC to control the damage done and estimated the cost of events to be $5000 MN but assured that his newly commencing Event Management Firm could make it at 70% of that".


Infosys employees who are normally spotted from tea-stalls to book-stores and from airports to restaurants wearing their most coveted ID cards seemed to have abstained from wearing the same as not many employees with Infosys ID cards were found today. Psychologists from NIMHANS, Bangalore were of the opinion that it is a common trend to disown our own when something really shameful happens. "We had queries from Satyam employees whether to wear their ID cards or not when the Ramalinga Raju scandal broke out. What we have observed is employees of foreign companies aren't affected much at times of crisis than their Indian counterparts though during the economic recession it is the the other way round" said Dr. Maanasik Swasthya, a Psychologist in NIMHANS, Bangalore. Enigma Pub and Yo! China confirmed that HP hasn't cancelled their advance bookings while Bangalore One reported numerous calls from Infosys employees enquiring about the Art of Living ashram address.

All Indian IT companies as a mark of condemnation of the preposterous statement have decided to replace all white PCs with black PCs. Indian companies like Wipro and HCL have proposed to buyback HP and Dell systems and replace with their Brands. However, none of the companies wanted to part with IBM Servers. The matter is now with NASSCOM and is believed to raise serious repercussions in the USA and support is garnered from several leading BFSIs of USA and is now believed to give a twist to Barack Obama's fight for ban on job exports.

Meanwhile in an unrelated incident, Karnataka Chief Minister B S Yeddyurappa considered himself to be in a similar situation as US President B H Obama. On the sidelines of a massive public rally organized at Hospet which is 60 Kms away from Bellary, he said when Obama was fighting a ban on job exports, he was fighting a ban on illegal mines export. The White House has released Obama's statement - "MINE has nothing to do with B S Yeddyurappa"

Image courtesy - http://www.stresstips.com/?p=23
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Friends, the above look-alike of a newspaper article is just an imaginary write-up and be considered at best, a spoof. The author has high regards towards all individual and institution names mentioned above. Apologies to those who are offended with the 'remarks'.

Infosys is a client to my company and Mr. Murthy has written some real kind words about us and our work which we proudly display on our homepage. In any case, I make it clear that the 'views' or the 'spoof' here is my own creation and my employer is in no way responsible or connected to this.

Common Man.

4 comments:

MaDdy!!! said...

Fantastic post Dear Common Man!!!

Loved your imagination, the connect between different points and the "believability" of the whole essay. But can't help thinking, what was the inspiration and why Infy?!! Was hoping you'd drag a few more into this. Lovely writing.

Regards,
Maddy

Common Man said...

Thought I will write something which revolves around a current topic with some humour and a bit of ridicule. Other than that, as they say, one thing leads to another.

Common Man.

Common Man said...

Thank you for your kind words!

Bantwal said...

ROTFLMAO.... Nicely written...

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